win, place, show

I Hate New York Street Fairs

Now that Memorial Day has passed and the humidity topped 80 percent, it's officially summer in New York. Which means that, in addition to the wardrobe issue, (hot, humid, sticky outside, freezing cold inside - what to wear, especially in light of the fact that winter hibernation pounds are not melting away like the butter I slather all over my piping hot croissant), New York turns into a maze each weekend as half the streets are shut for street fairs or parades. Street selection is done with abandon, at least below 14th Street; recent fairs have affected 6th Avenue on consecutive weekends, Second Avenue, Third Avenue and Cooper Square.

Oh, how sweet, you think, street fairs.

Yes, I remember street fairs, legitimate, real street fairs with themes and beer gardens and art and music... Fillmore, Polk, Union, Haight, Castro, and the best of the rest, the Folsom Street Fair, where one couldn't see the collars, leashes and chaps for the leather. These fairs had character, they had style, they had the good sense to happen one at a time for one weekend only.

The New York street fairs, on the other hand, all have the same theme - capitalism. There are five categories of goods sold at these fairs:

1. Human labor - this is usually in the form of massages. 10 minutes for $10, 20 minutes for the bargain price of $20. If you are walking by and are not simultaneously engaged in conversation, listening to a portable music device and talking on your phone, you will likely be unable to resist the advances of the women who insist you look haggard. One out of every 20 stalls.

Every now and then, a chiropractor or fortune teller is included in this category.

2. Miscellaneous consumer goods. This includes, without exception, tables of the following: sunglasses; purses; records/CDs/DVDs/videos; and sheets. Two out of every ten stalls is in this category.

3. Clothing. This includes vendors of socks/underwear, knock-off and/or discounted "designer" clothing, and "trendy" clothing such as peasant skirts, ponchos, and burlap sacks. Three out of every twenty stalls fits in this category.

4. Solicitations; includes, free stuff. Newspaper registration, organic farming information, various types of flavored water and juices. One out of every twenty tables.

5. Vaguely artistic items that do not fit into any of the above categories. Could include sculpture of a variety of media, such as wood, petrified, whittled, or other; metal, rusted, pounded, or other; jewelry, beaded, tied, or other; other. One out of every ten stalls.

6. Food. One great thing about New York is the ability to get cheap food of any ethnicity at any time, in any place, and no where is that more true than at a Saturday street fair. In the space of one city block (not avenue), it is possible to consume a main course of pad thai, tortilla Espanola, grilled corn on the cob, gyro, barbeque, and arepas; followed by crepes, burritos, falafel and empanadas. You can wash it down with some nice fresh lemonade, a smoothie, or, if you're lucky, a free flavored water. Nine out of every 20 stalls.

Now a benefit would be if you could walk up an entire fair without having to pay attention to traffic, but though the "host" street is closed to cars, the cross strees remain open and full of hot, angry, annoyed drivers who have been forced to detour because their preferred route is closed for a street fair.

posted by venus de kilo @ 10:25 PM